Thursday, February 16, 2012

How to buy a swimsuit

I know this is early for some parts of The States. But here in sunny Floriday, it was 83 today. Which means that swimsuit season is just around the corner. Normally, I would buy one swimsuit and it would last me 6-10 years. However, now that I have children, and live in Florida, I actually burn through a swimsuit in one year. It's almost as amazing as having ginormous gators living in the ponds around the house and no one really acts like it's a big deal.

I've digressed. Since I have purchased two decent swimsuits in my adult life, I consider myself an expert on the subject. And as an "expert", I feel it my duty to pass on to you the valuable information necessary to purchase the perfect swimsuit. Just follow these steps:

1. Go to a China Buffet with your best friend, preferably within 5 minutes of the store you intend to purchase your suit from. Eat. And I mean eat like you've never eaten before. Consume so much MSG that you literally start to sweat.

2. Once you feel nice and bloated, waddle over to the swimsuit store. Try on a suit that is 4 sizes too small. Do NOT look in the mirror. This exercise is only for getting your hair all frazzled and to work up a nice sweaty gloss. This is not intended to diminish your self-esteem. Pry swim garment off without ripping it. (You break it, you buy it.)

3. Try on a variety of styles of suits. Even ones that aren't so cute on the hanger. The suit that you look best in, (while you are all frazzled, sweaty and bloated) is the suit for you.  Because let's face facts, when you are at the beach or the pool, (unless you are 19 and have never consumed beer), you're most likely going to be frazzled, sweaty and bloated.

4. You can get a second opinion from your best friend who you've made to tag along for moral support. If she hesitates for even the tiniest second, she's trying to come up with a nice way of telling you that what stands before her is NO GOOD.

5. If you have tried on every conceivable bathing suit in the Tri State Area and you get to step 4 every time and get the slightest hesitation from your girlfriend. Read on.  You need to go back to step 2. Now instead of just taking off the tiny piece of spandex that they are selling for $189, you need to look in the mirror. You need to take a good hard look at how bad it could be. You may potentially need to take a picture with your cell phone for future reference.

6. After you've torn off the too-small-even-for-my-52-pound-preschooler swim suit, try on the suits that got the least amount of hesitation from your friend. The one you feel best in is IT. Do NOT leave the changing room to show your so-called-BFF the one you've decided on.

7. Go home. Drink a glass of wine. Forget the whole experience ever happened.


  1. This seems like the most logical, perfect guide to swimsuit buying that I have ever read. :)

    Thanks for the solid advice with the perfect touch of humor. :)

    1. Thanks Linda! My next advice blog will follow this up on how to properly apply sunless tan spray. I'm glad I could help ;)